You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
