I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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