my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
