Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
