we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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