Jerry, you need to find god
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Randomize
