I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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