There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
