She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
