The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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