Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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