Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
