I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
