Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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