the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
