Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
