insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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