Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
