i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
