I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
