Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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