I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize