i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
