My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
