He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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