it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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