Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
