ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
