Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
