I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
