Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
