I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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