so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
it hurts more in the daytime
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
