When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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