I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
