It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
