Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
