Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I cockslap morals
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
