Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
