but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
