So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
