I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize