I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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