my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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