Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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