I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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