Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
