I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
