If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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