I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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