alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
