And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
