Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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