I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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