Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
