Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
