Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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