look no pants
Pappa wants mamma naked
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
