Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
