my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
